archive // ask // about // me
skype; christinaleveille
Just in case you're here to read.
Congratulations,
you've found the entrance to my secret world.
Feel free to take a look around,
but please don't break anything.
Myself included.
I want you to kiss my forehead, not my lips.
I want you to hold me in a way that says “I need you”, not “I want you”.
I want you to look at me as if you don’t see anything else in the world.
Do not dare to criticize my relationship when you know nothing about it. Don’t say I’m too good for him, don’t say he’s too good for me. Don’t say anything if you’re not a part of it. It’s my decision to stay, because I believe it’s worth it.
I fight with this boy every day. I’m on the verge of tears because sometimes the things he’s said have cut so deep that it feels like my chest is aching, burning, and I feel like I’m suffocating as if someone just punched me in the stomach and forced all the air out of my lungs. Every day, all day, I feel like I can’t take it anymore.
But then we’re both smiling. Because this boy makes me laugh every day. I always have something to look forward to, I always get surprises that make me grin so big my cheeks hurt and I feel like it’s too good to be true. I don’t need anyone or anything else, because this boy is mine.
So yes, it sounds ridiculous and yes I know that it sounds like a nightmare. But I don’t appreciate when people who don’t know the half of it try to say that what we have is wrong. I don’t need a perfect relationship right now. I don’t need to find the perfect husband, I’m sixteen years old. I’m not anywhere close to growing up and I’m happy with what I have. I’m happy having someone to hold who I can call mine. I’m happy with this boy and I don’t want anyone else.
I remember, once we knew our little ship was going down, I made the effort to memorize parts of him. Lying in bed, tracing the line of his jaw with my eyes so many times, until they were seared into the backs of my eyelids for good. Embedding into my mind, by touch, the length of his fingers…
Sometimes I feel like if I had someone else’s viewpoint it would solve over half my problems.. I spend too much of my time on things that don’t matter and I’m always upset when I shouldn’t be. Yet other times I feel like I put up with way more than I should.
What calms you down when you’re upset?
Sleeping. Or talking to someone, but I never reach out for help on my own anymore. If I’m upset I keep it to myself until someone asks me if I’m okay, and once they do I’ll open up to just about anyone.
Who do you miss the most?
Weston.
Who makes you the happiest?
Luke. Even though he also makes me the most unhappy.
Have you ever attempted suicide?
Yes and no. When I was on antidepressants like a year ago and I was having one of my moments I started taking all the pills I had but stopped myself because I realized that it wasn’t what I really wanted. I didn’t get sick or notice any difference afterwards and I don’t take the medication anymore. Also I’m not in that state of mind as much now so you don’t need to say anything. I know there are other ways out and I don’t want to end my life.
